If your family's anything like mine, chances are they like to use holiday fiestas as an excuse to interrogate you about your love life, your weight, and your lifestyle choices. It's honestly enough to turn the nicest person into a Grinch! The truth is, everything from your sex life to your personal style choices are your business, and your business alone. So they should just butt out! But obviously, you can never actually say that to your dear ol' abuelita. She will cut you…right out of her holiday pasteles or tamales delivery rotation. And worse yet, you'll hurt her feelings. So, what's a girl to do?
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If you want to survive the holiday season with your privacy and relationships intact, you're going to answer those dang questions! But don't get it twisted. Just because you're answering, that doesn't mean you're giving your relatives any real info. Here are 15 of the most sarcastic, roundabout and downright cheeky answers to some of your relatives' most annoying personal questions. Use these and I guarantee it'll be a while before your relatives ask about your personal life again.
1. Why don't you have a novio? I went to go pick one up on Black Friday, but all they had left were a few slightly irregular models, and one who was missing a fidelity chip. I got this sweater instead. Do you like it?
2. When are you two going to get married? On a day that ends in the letter "y". We just haven't decided which one yet. We'll let you know when we know.
3. When are you going to give me grandbabies? Believe me, we're trying! We try three, sometimes four times a week! But if it means that much to you, we'll take a break from all of this family fun to go try in the spare bedroom after dinner.
4. Aren't you worried about your eggs getting too old? No, I put them in the freezer, where they'll stay until I'm ready to mix them with my partner's batter. Changing the subject, does anyone want to try any of these cookies that I baked?
5. Whatever happened to (insert ex-boyfriend's name here)? I'd love to tell you, but I'd rather just show you. Sit back and enjoy as I perform an interpretive dance to a La India's greatest hits.
6. Did your pompis get bigger/smaller? I haven't noticed. I've been too busy building a solid future for myself to really pay any attention to what's behind me.
7. Do you really think you need seconds? Do I neeeed seconds? No. But your pavo is so good, I can't help but stuff my face with it. This is your fault!
8. Can I borrow money? Sure! Here's the phone number for a great loan officer I know. She'll hook you up with a low interest rate.
9. Do you need money? Yes, but I want you to hold onto it for me. In your savings account. Thanks!
10. How long are you going to be in town? I'll be in town 'til I leave.
11. Why didn't you friend me back on Facebook? Because you're more than just a friend. You're family! And there's no Familybook as far as I know.
12. What's twerking? Can you do it? If I could, you'd have five grandbabies by now.
13. What was that buzzing noise coming from your bedroom last night? Definitely not a vibrator! It might have been….er, the cat! Yeah, the cat was vacuuming in her sleep again. That's what that was. Stupid gata, purring and buzzing all night.
14. Why do you insist on dressing like that? Pues, if I didn't dress like this, what would we have to talk about? I'm doing you a favor. You're welcome.
15. What have you been doing with your life? I've spent much of it answering inane questions about my weight and sexcapades. I really wish I could stop.
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