There are a bunch of mentirosos–or more like *mentirosas–*out in the world that would have you believe that pregnancy is all joyful moments sprinkled with glitter dust and that you will glow like you've never glowed before as you shake your glorious head of extra-shiny hair in sunshine that only shines for you and your unborn baby.
Well, not to be Debbie Downer, but pregnancy isn't all fantabulous moments of sheer joy. Yes, there are parts of it that I will always miss, but let's talk about the parts of pregnancy that kinda suck.
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Here are eight things that I don't miss about being pregnant:
1. Swollen feet. Nothing makes swollen feet look cute. Not cute sandals, not compression stockings, not your baby bump.
2. Having to wear panty liners every day. Not having a period for months is awesome, but replacing it with discharge and bladder leakage is kind of a cruel joke.
3. Crazy nipples. My nipples went all kinds of strange. Yes, it's true, they changed color on me and got really rough and dry. I know, TMI, but it's the truth.
4. That dark line going down the belly. It's called a linea nigra and about 75 percent of pregnant women get it. It's due to the same hormone that made my nipples get darker and dryer. Again, TMI.
5. The hormones. Son of a gun, pregnancy hormones made me feel like I was losing my mind and I'm not exaggerating or trying to be funny here. I actually ended up in the ER because the hormones did such a number on me and there they told me lots of pregnant women have issues triggered by pregnancy hormones.
6. People acting like my belly is communal property. Uh, excuse me, did I say you could touch that? Oh, wait, you didn't even ask? Oh, is that how we do it now?
7. Horror stories. Listen, if you come across a pregnant woman, feel free to congratulate her, coo at her, bring her brownies, but please do not tell her pregnancy horror stories that either you went through or someone you know went through or you read about in the pregnancy horror stories column of the newspaper. She does not need to hear any of that.
8. Not being able to do so many things. Eat raw fish or queso fresco, ride roller coasters, pick up on dudes at a bar while double fisting beers, you know the usual.
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