Before giving birth to my son in October 2015, I was pumped to try breastfeeding. I had this romantic image in my head that it was going to be fantastic. I was going to be the hippie mom proudly whipping out my boob in public without a care in the world. I would face all of the judgment like a champ. Then after having my baby, I quickly realized that breastfeeding wasn't for me.
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I didn't produce enough milk, was recovering from a C-section and ultimately made the decision not to breastfeed. I felt guilty and like a total failure at first. I judged myself for formula-feeding my baby, but it felt like the right decision. I felt freer, more comfortable and well-rested. My baby was fed by my husband and close relatives that love him dearly. My motherly instincts trumped all of the nonsense, and I ultimately made peace with my decision. My baby was happy and I was happy–period.
What I wasn't prepared for was how strongly breastfeeding moms are glorified and seen as rock stars compared to formula-feeding moms. I was recently at a work event and bumped into an old co-worker who was describing her struggles with breastfeeding and being a working mother. I felt some of her pain. I knew how heartbreaking and painful it is to return back to work after a 12-week maternity leave. I totally understood the struggle of having those sleepless nights before another workday.
The only difference between us was that she breastfed her baby and I didn't. I stood there and heard the other two childless women react to her story and compliment her to no end. "You're a hero," they said followed by, "Wow I don't know how you do it." I felt snubbed. It felt like she was being given a golden mom badge and I was slowly creeping up for the bronze. I wished she would have kept her breastfeeding story to herself. I wished those other women knew how hard being a working mom is in general–instead of just praising pumping in the mothering room.
As a society, we put a huge amount of pressure on women to breastfeed and bully or judge women if they don't. The way I see it, the decision should be "to each their own." I also have to learn to deal with my own judgmental voice. I was prepared to face being criticized for breastfeeding in public, but I have to learn to have that same fierceness while standing on this side of the fence. I'm getting there one awkward mommy-milk-feeding-conversation at a time.
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