As I am months away from turning 30, I am feeling the pressure to settle down and have babies more than ever. So far, I haven't been asked outright by my family when I'm going to have children, but as I get older, I can sense their nervousness about my future and their worries about when I'm going to becoming a mother. After I turned 25, more and more of my close friends began having children, getting married, and starting their new lives, but that wasn't my journey just yet. I felt like I had and still have goals and things I wanted to accomplish on my own before I can take that step.
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I view motherhood as one of the most beautiful experiences a woman can live through. From an outsider's point of view, I have seen how children can change a woman for the better and give them a sense of fulfillment and a love that is unmatched. I also know that there is so much more to women than being mothers. There are plenty of successful women I know who adore being mothers, while others who have waited to have children until they felt fully ready and are just as happy. There's no right or wrong way to go about it, and I believe everyone has different timelines and reasons as to why they haven't become parents. For me, there have been an array of reasons why I have put it off. Not being financially, emotionally, or physically ready some years ago slowed down my timeline. Ideally, I saw myself becoming a mom before entering this new decade, but I know now that there's nothing wrong with waiting—and there's certainly no need to jump into motherhood just because a clock or society says you should.
We don't need any more external pressure.
I know my grandmother means well when she tells me she prays every day for me to find a husband. I get it. She loves me and she wants me to be happy. Hearing loved ones who worry about your personal life and whether or not you will find someone to "settle down with" and have kids with is something we don't really need to be reminded of. I came to the realization that a lot of worries from others are projections of their own lives, and as long as I'm happy with where I'm at, others' opinions don't really matter. I know I want to settle down, but I get to decide when the time is right for myself, not anyone else.
A lot of women are dealing with fertility issues.
According to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, about 10% of women ages 15-44, which is 6.1 million women in the US, have difficulty getting pregnant or staying pregnant. A lot of women have been diagnosed with conditions like PCOS, pelvic inflammatory disease, and endometriosis, which can cause issues when trying to get pregnant. These aren't visible illnesses, so constantly asking a woman when she is having kids, not knowing her medical history, can add a painful reminder to someone who is already dealing with her own worries or already trying to conceive.
We are aware about the ticking of our biological clocks.
The relationship between a woman's age and her fertility is sometimes referred to as her "biological clock." After a certain age, women are constantly reminded that their clock is ticking, adding even more pressure on them about their bodies aging and reducing the possibility of having kids. We already know this, so there is no situation where reminding a person about this is appropriate. I keep being reminded that "half a woman's eggs" die when she turns 30, and it seems like such a negative and rude thing to say to someone who is just months away from her birthday.
Even doctors like to share their unsolicited opinions about our uteri.
Women have to visit their gynecologist at least once a year for our checkups, and it's a constant reminder that time is passing quickly. I was diagnosed with polycystic ovary syndrome when I was in my mid-20s. Some of the symptoms include abnormal menstruation, absence of menstruation, irregular menstruation, weight gain, acne, infertility, hair loss, and depression. Another added symptom is the underlying anxiety that comes with knowing that whenever I do decide to have kids, that perhaps it won't be as easy for me as I would like it to be. Ever since my diagnosis, my doctor reminds me that the sooner I try to start having kids, the better chances I have of becoming pregnant. She jokingly says, "It's time to get a boyfriend!" and I know she means well, but it seems both unnecessary and borderline unprofessional.
No matter how much we accomplish, it still feels like it isn't enough.
I have friends with master's degrees, friends with successful careers, friends who are homeowners, and so on, and are still somehow made to feel inadequate or incomplete because they aren't moms yet. At family gatherings or reunions with friends, the topic of dating or the questions of when you are going to become a mom seem to be more prevalent than questions about our jobs, our careers, our interests, and even our happiness. Next time you want to ask a woman about when she's having kids, maybe opt for asking her about how she's feeling and how she's doing in other, equally important, areas of her life instead.
We have plenty of love in our lives.
The perk of being one of the only people in my circle to not have children is that I have plenty of little ones to love. My friends' kids have become my nieces and nephews, and they are the ones I get to buy presents for on holidays and on their birthdays! Don't worry about us, just because we don't have kids of our own, it doesn't mean we are any less loved than women who do.
Don't assume our lives are less busy because we don't have kids.
Believe it or not, women who are child-free can also have packed schedules. We have put our focus on our work, our hobbies, our health, on volunteering, on our pets and prioritize the time we spend with our families and friends. Don't make the mistake of assuming we have plenty of free time just because we don't have playdates to go to or school plays. We can also have fulfilling and thriving lives without kids.
Some women want to be emotionally mature and healthy before having children.
Let's be honest: A lot of people have become parents before they were ready to. It takes years to become an emotionally healthy human being if you didn't grow up that way. I spent a good few years in my 20s going to therapy and working on aspects of myself I know I needed to change and mature before becoming someone's mother. I believe the tools I have learned in these years of inner work will help me become a better mom in the future, if that's what I decide to do, and my kids will be better off because I did the work and they will be able to grow up with a mother that's happy and healthy on her own.
Events like holidays and birthdays are a hard pill to swallow.
Going home for the holidays can be super nerve-wracking for women. The questions of "Where's your boyfriend?" or "When are you guys having kids?" if you're coupled up can feel somewhat crippling. I wish people had a bit more tact when it comes to these topics, and that families and friends weren't so invasive with the questions they ask. If a person has good news or updates to share, they will share when they are ready to.
Bringing up the topic of children to some women can be insensitive and hurtful.
A lot of women, myself included, have had to deal with losses in their lives that they don't speak about. There are women who have gone through miscarriages and abortions at different points in their lives so the topic of having children might be sensitive to them. The best way to avoid walking into an uncomfortable and possibly painful situation is not to bring up the conversation, unless you have that type of open relationship with the person where she can openly share her fears and worries with you.
For some women, financial security is also important before having kids.
A goal of mine was to be a homeowner before I had any children. I want my kids to have a safe place to call home, their own rooms and a place they know I worked hard to build for them. I knew that I had to accomplish that before I became a parent, to provide peace of mind for myself. Now that I have checked buying a home off my to-do list, I can focus on the future.
Some women are focused on healing generational trauma.
For women who didn't come from loving families or had complicated relationships with their mothers, the thought of raising a child could be a source of anxiety or worry. They are focusing on healing and repairing broken relationships with themselves and their own parents before making that jump into having kids of their own. Not knowing how to parent correctly because you never experienced it yourself is difficult, and it takes a lot of unlearning until you get to a point where you feel prepared to bring a child into this world that you can raise and love the way they deserve.
Being a working mother is tough, but there's a pressure when you don't have kids as well.
A recent thread on Twitter went viral after a man said that not having children is "a form of privilege," and he detailed how people who are parents should in a way be treated differently at work and beyond, because they are helping bring in and raising new generations for the world. He was met with thousands of responses from child-free people, including one that read: "Shout out to all the child-free people who are expected/forced to take on extra workplace responsibilities, usually without extra pay, bc people think non-parents don’t have enough burdens."
Just because a person doesn't have kids, it doesn't mean that they don't have other things to tend to. We won't call out because our children are sick, or because we have a meeting at their school, and it is something that parents should for sure have a right to, but we should be given that same courtesy when dealing with things in our own personal lives that aren't children-related.
For some people, the idea of settling down doesn't include wanting kids.
I have seen a lot of newlyweds or couples who are in long-term relationships be jokingly asked about when they were getting started on having children. This always seemed so inappropriate to me as you never really know how anyone, or couples in particular, feel about having children. This could put a strain on their relationship, and perhaps put pressure on people to have kids who don't necessarily want to, just because society thinks they should. A couple could have a fulfilling life and marriage without kids, because at the end of the day, it's the love that truly counts.
Powerful women like Rihanna see motherhood in their own terms.
The mogul spoke to Vogue UK about her work ethic and her plans to start a family down the line, and said she sees herself having kids in the next 10 years. “I’m working like this now so that I don’t have to in the future. I know I will want to live differently,” she told the magazine. “Ten years? I’ll be 42! I’ll be ancient. I’ll have kids—three or four of ’em.”
When asked if she would be open to having kids even if she is single, the singer didn't hesitate and said, "Hell yeah," adding that there are more important things for a child. “I feel like society makes me want to feel like, ‘Oh, you got it wrong…’ They diminish you as a mother if there’s not a dad in your kids’ lives," Rihanna said for the May 2020 issue of the magazine. "But the only thing that matters is happiness, that’s the only healthy relationship between a parent and a child. That’s the only thing that can raise a child truly, is love.”
Hearing someone as accomplished and successful as Rihanna say this was wildly comforting for me. She has gone through her fair share of ups and downs, but in the end, she realized that a child needs nothing more than love and security, and a mother, or parents who are willing to give them just that.
Chiquis Rivera is also taking matters into her own hands.
Chiquis Rivera's life seemed to be falling into place after she tied the knot with longtime partner Lorenzo Méndez. The couple had previously opened up about wanting kids and she expressed interest in freezing her eggs. When the pair split in 2020, less than a year after their wedding, it made Chiquis reassess and she revisited the idea of freezing her eggs. Now that her marriage is up in the air and she's 35, she's taking matters into her own hands and making sure that she does have the opportunity to become a mom even if she currently doesn't have a partner. For women who have the means to do so, they are now able to take charge of their own fertility journeys and decide when and how they have children.
Even for successful women like Chiquis and Rihanna, the thought of not becoming mothers does cross their mind and it's something that they can decide to take action on whether now or in the future. At the end of the day, it's their bodies and their decision to make about how they handle their motherhood journeys.
I've learned that at the end of the day, the only person I need to answer to is myself.
When talking to my mom about my desire to have kids last year, she was super supportive. She reminded me that I can do it on my own if need be and that she would support me if I wanted to have a baby. There are many options and routes that a person can take these days if being a mom is their goal. For now, I'm happy with the way my life is and I have plans in mind for how I want it to be down the line. I will continue to build myself up so that when the time does come, I'll be ready. When I want to be, not when others dictate is the right time for me. And my hope is that all women make peace with their decisions in terms of their fertility and their choices when it comes to motherhood. It's your life and you have a right to live it how you want to—and no one else should have a say.
