I live in San Francisco, California, and in many ways that means that I live in a beautifully diverse bubble. I moved here as a college student and fell in love with the city because it is so diverse. When I decided to have children, I was thrilled that they would grow up seeing something that I didn’t see much of growing up: families with same-sex parents. I can honestly say that I have never had to tell my kids that some families are made up of two dads or two moms or people who do not identify as either gender.
I’ve never had to explain it to them because that has always been “normal” to them. To me that is a beautiful thing, but not something that I take for granted because, again, I know I live in a beautifully diverse bubble and that families with same-sex parents or families that don’t conform to the whole mom + dad + kids = family face tremendous prejudice, discrimination, and even outright hate masked as a concern for the kids.
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We, as a collective, need to actively support homoparental families whether we were encouraged to or not as children. It’s time to let go of discriminatory beliefs that we were raised with because there is no good reason to be opposed to children being raised in a loving family. I actually find it astounding that anyone would object to adults of any gender, who love each other, wanting to create a family. I find it shocking and shameful that some still actively work to stigmatize and demonize perfectly wonderful families. There is no reason to judge families with same-sex parents, but here are just a few of many reasons to raise the next generation to understand that a family is a family is a family.
Can gay couples be good parents?
Uh, of course they can! Now, that’s my opinion because I don’t think that your sexuality determines whether you can be a good parent or not. If you measure good parenting by how well a child is able to succeed let’s say educationally, then let me share some research conducted by Stanford sociologist Michael Rosenfeld, who used US “census data to perform the first large-sample, nationally representative tests of outcomes for children raised by same-sex couples. He found that children raised by same-sex couples do as well educationally as those raised by married heterosexual couples.
What about emotionally and socially? According to a review published by the Medical Journal of Australia, children raised by same-sex parents do "as well emotionally, socially and educationally" as children raised by heterosexual parents.
Having same-sex parents isn’t a disadvantage, lack of finances and education are.
"The census data show that having parents who are the same gender is not in itself any disadvantage to children," Rosenfeld said. "Parents' income and education are the biggest indicators of a child's success. Family structure is a minor determinant." Uh, anyone who has grown up poor with parents who, for whatever reason, did not get a great education can relate to Rosenfeld’s findings.
Oh, and if you are opposed to gay couples adopting, here’s something to think about. "One of the fundamental issues in modern family law that differs from state to state is whether same-sex couples can adopt," Rosenfeld said. "My research makes clear that there's a huge advantage to kids to be out of the care of the state and into the care of any family, even if the family is not perfectly optimal." No family is ever perfect, but you better believe that being part of a loving family is better than being cared for by the state. The state does not love you.
You know what does hurt children of same-sex couples?
"The negative and discriminatory rhetoric of the current same-sex marriage debate is damaging the most vulnerable members of our community—children and adolescents,” says Professor Frank Oberklaid of the Murdoch Children's Research Institute. So, please remember that when you discriminate, judge, or disparage same-sex families, you are doing damage to the children of those families.
Marriage equality is important for the safety of children of same-sex couples. So maybe, you are OK with same-sex couples raising children together, but you aren’t OK with same-sex couples getting legally married. Here’s why that’s dangerous for the kids as explained by the Family Equality Council: “All children deserve the right to a stable, secure family. Undermining marriage equality jeopardizes the security and safety of children raised by same-sex couples.” For example, children can be denied health insurance if one of their same-sex parents isn’t recognized as a parent legally.
Same-sex parents can absolutely provide for their children’s needs.
So many things go into parenting. Children need love, safety, security, and nurturing. Those are things that can be provided by humans regardless of their sexual orientation. A family does not have to consist of a father and a mother for a child to thrive. Just ask a lot of kids who have been raised by single parents.
Stop using religion as an excuse. This country is supposed to observe a separation of church and state, but so many continue to use their religious beliefs to justify legal discrimination. If your religion says you can’t be in a same-sex union and you truly believe that, then don’t be in one, but stop trying to impose your religious beliefs on others.
Stop using culture as an excuse.
Let’s be totally candid here, there is a lot of homophobia in many, many cultures. Guess what? You can love your culture without accepting the parts of it that are just wrong. Sexism, racism, and ageism do not have to be a part of the cultural legacy your kids inherit.
Teach your children that families don’t all have to look the same. As I mentioned, I live in a bubble where it’s easy to show my kids that families can have one mom, one dad, two moms, two dads, one mom and one dad, and so on. If you don’t live in a place where your kids can see examples of loving families of all kinds, it’s your responsibility to normalize that for them. You can do it by talking to them, watching movies that represent different kinds of families, and reading books that do the same.
