Not all parents of biracial or mixed kids are going to be offended by the same questions or comments that come their way. But it’s pretty much guaranteed that at some point they will get offended by what people say to them about their kids. I myself have two daughters who are the product of a mixed relationship and even though they resemble both my husband and myself, people still say some weird, uncomfortable things about them to us simply because they are mixed. Sure, most of the time it’s not meant to be offensive, but it’s kind of like breaking the law: Just because you don’t know that you broke a law, doesn’t mean you aren’t guilty of breaking it.
More from MamásLatinas: Anti-racism books to teach children about diversity and equality
I culturally identify as Latina and according to the DNA test I took, my people come from Iran, Mexico, Spain, Portugal, and too many other places to name. My husband is half Black and half white. He was born and raised in Hawaii, but that does not make him Hawaiian because he is not a descendant of the peoples inhabiting the Hawaiian Islands before the Hawaiian Kingdom was overthrown in 1893. I share that with you because I can’t count how many times people hear he’s from Hawaii and forever after incorrectly refer to him as Hawaiian. Anyway, here are some of the things that have been said to my husband or me that you should never say to parents of multiracial kids.
1. ‘Your kids are so exotic.’
No, no they are not. When you call someone exotic all you are doing is saying that they are different than what you consider the norm or what you consider the standard of beauty. All it does is show how limited your perspective is by othering people who are different than what you are used to.
2. 'What are you guys?
I was at a wedding and the bride's cousin pulled me aside to ask what my husband and I were. I must have given her a look because she followed up with “I only ask because your daughters are so cute and I was wondering how you got them to be that color.” We special ordered them from a paint by numbers fertility clinic.
3. 'Are you the mom or the nanny?'
I was actually asked this question by a child at the park when I was there with my daughter and it was funny, but only because it came from a child. She was asking because she was probably there with her nanny instead of her mom. Grown people tend to ask because they don’t think the adult with the kids looks like the kids or vice versa.
4. 'Mixed babies are the cutest.'
This makes me want to reply, “Is that why your kids are so ugly?” I’m wicked that way. While this may sound like a compliment and the receiver may even agree with you, it’s not like they chose to fall in love with someone so they could have mixed babies. People fall in love and if they happen to not be of the same race, they have mixed babies.
5. 'Can I touch their hair?'
No, you may not! My kids have gorgeous, thick curly hair that defies gravity. You may compliment their hair, but don’t ask to touch it. Ask yourself if you go up to parents of kids with straight hair and ask them if you can touch their children’s hair. If you do, well, then you’re just weird.
6. 'Have you ever thought of straightening their hair?'
Have you ever thought about holding your tongue because you have some deeply ingrained hair issues that you need to examine and keep to yourself. Why would I want to straighten their hair? It’s gorgeous. If they want to straighten their hair later on in life, that will be their choice, but I want them to celebrate and love their curls.
7. 'It must be so hard to take care of their hair.'
Ugh! I don’t go up to people of melanin-challenged children and say, “It must be so hard to keep them covered in sunscreen so that they don’t instantly burn under the sun.” And, yes, I know that people of all shades need sunscreen, but you get my point.
8. 'You’re lucky they got good hair.'
So many comments about hair, right? Here’s the thing: There is no such thing as good or bad hair! That’s just a whole lot of racist nonsense that defines “good” by Western beauty standards. I’m not trying to teach my kids any of that nonsense so SHUSH!
9. 'They don’t look like you at all.'
This is something that happened more when my husband was a kid and he and his brothers would be out with their mom. This opinion would be offered when no one was asking. What’s a parent or child supposed to do with that comment? Smile and be amused?
When in doubt, be quiet.
If you’re not sure if something is offensive, maybe just don’t say it. And if someone points out why what you said is problematic, do not immediately get defensive. Don’t say things like, “I didn’t mean it that way” or, “You’re being too sensitive” or, “You can’t say anything nowadays.” Instead, listen to their input, thank them for educating you, and then reflect on what they said. Later, when you are alone, perhaps do some research on why what you said is problematic. Saying something offensive doesn’t mean you’re a bad person, it just means that we all have blind spots.
