Nothing about breast-feeding has ever been easy for me. I had my first daughter about four and a half years ago and I was determined to breast-feed. DETERMINED. How hard could it be? Well, I came to find out, it was VERY hard. I was never able to produce enough milk for her. Still, that did not stop me from breast-feeding. I nursed her as much as I could and supplemented with formula. She nursed until she was a little over two years old and then we had to stop abruptly even though neither one of us wanted to. I weaned my baby and I didn't want to.
Why did we have to stop? I was pregnant again and my body stopped making milk all together. Not only did I stop producing milk, if my daughter latched on, it was unbelievably painful. I couldn't do it anymore. She cried and screamed and begged, but we stopped and now two years later, she doesn't even remember that she ever nursed.
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When my second came along, I was terrified that I wouldn't make enough milk for her either, but I did. I did all the things I did the first time: pump like a mad woman, eat foods that are supposed to help produce milk, take supplements for milk-production, visit lactation consultants, and eventually it worked.
Nursing my second has been great for many reasons. It's convenient, it is beyond economical, it is an easy way to bond, and we both enjoyed it. Now my baby is over 2 years old. She is obviously eating solids and is able to drink fluids from cups. It would be totally fine to wean her and I did wean her, but not by choice and it has been heartbreaking.
I got sick. Really sick. I was sick for more than three weeks with no improvement. I went to the doctor and all she could tell me was that I didn't have pneumonia or bronchitis. Medications were offered, but when I said I was still nursing those medications were off the table. I stayed sick, I was miserable, my husband was sick of me being sick. I went back to the doctor, filled a prescription for antibiotics, and started taking them.
The good news is that I'm getting better. I can breathe and I'm not coughing so much that I have to throw up; it's a relief. The bad news is that I had to stop nursing cold turkey. It has not been easy. My littlest looks at me and pleads, "A bittle bit, mami?" and I have to say, no. One night she woke up crying and when she wasn't able to nurse, she cried the saddest sobs I've ever heard. It's like she was crying with her soul.
It's been a few days now and we are both adjusting. She wakes up in the middle of the night, I bring her into my bed and we snuggle. She instinctively reaches inside my shirt, but now she knows that all she can do is touch my breast. We sleep wrapped in each other's arms and she knows I love her and I am all too aware of how much she loves me.
It may not seem like such a big deal to you, but it is a really big deal to me that I didn't have a choice about weaning either one of my children.
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