Things are starting to get real people. I've been a mom for almost a year now, but because my mom stayed with us for the first month of my son's life and my husband works night shift, up until recently, I actually hadn't spent all that much time alone with my little guy. Of course, there were the many, many nights I spent feeding him and soothing him to sleep on my own, but that's not the same as spending 12 plus hours a day caring for and entertaining an infant. But many things changed in the Thompson household a few months back … and this is when my worst moment as a mom happened.
After a short stint as a full-time working mother, I recently made the transition to staying at home with my baby and working from home part-time, and my husband is headed off to a three-month five-days-a-week live-in training academy.
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My husband is a huge contributor in the day-to-day operation of our lives–he cleans, he cooks, he changes diapers, bathes the baby, plays with the baby, and lots more–his assistance will certainly be missed. Now, I have actually spent a full day alone with Abel before, I just haven't ever spent a rough day alone with him, but I vividly remember one Monday a few months ago, right before I started my full-time mommy duties … Man, that was a rough day.
Though my little guy napped well, ate well and played well, he had bouts of inexplicable fussiness. Actually, he wasn't just fussy, he was straight up whiny, and it was annoying. Of course, I was trying to work from home, get a million chores done around the house, and cook dinner all at the same time, when his bad mood peaked. I nearly lost it. I didn't know it was possible for me to be so frustrated with my precious boy. He is just not a cranky, fussy baby, and I'm really not used to him behaving that way–I was at an utter loss about how to handle it, and I totally panicked. I lost it. I became so full of self-doubt and insecurity that for a short while it was is if all the mommy confidence I've built up over the past several months simply disappeared. I just walked away and cried.
I suddenly realized that not every day at home with Abel is going to be a good day, that there will be times when he's upset and I won't be able to console him, that there will be days that the house will be a wreck and that it will be impossible to get any work done. I realized that even though I'll now be able to spend more time with my son and set my own work and household schedules, I still won't have it all together. That I'll still struggle and that I'll still be exhausted. But deep down, I know that despite all this, it will be worth it a million times over to be at home full time with my little guy.
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