Oh, parents! I love and admire you guys. After all, you have the hardest job in the world: raising little floppy beings into functioning members of society. That's quite a feat. And so it's because of this that I've decided to give you all a pass when you do some of the incredibly weird, sometimes gross things that you do for and to your children. You know what I'm talking about. Like when you use spit to clean their faces. That's disgusting!
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As someone who has yet to have a baby of her own, I find such costumbres hard to understand, though I'm sure there will soon come a time when I do. But until that day comes, can any of you please explain to me what on earth possesses you mamis to do these incredibly weird and sometimes gross things?
- Spit-cleaning your kids' face. I never understood why my germaphobe mother thought smearing my face with germy spit was a better option than, say, using any of the millions of wipes she had stored in her purse.
- Saving your kids' baby teeth and first lock of hair. My mom has a box filled with some of our discarded body parts…I mean, hair, teeth and umbilical cords. Same difference, right?
- Sniffing your baby's butt. Oh, the ol' lift-n-sniff. Believe me, that smell IS emanating from your child's behind.
- Sucking your baby's dropped pacifier to "disinfect it." Again, do mom's have magical antimicrobial spit? Tell me all your secrets!
- Taking a picture of the first time you toddler use the potty and posting it on Facebook. Aw, baby's first NSFW photo.
- Picking/sucking mocos out of your kids' noses. The picking I get. It's the sucking that blows my mind! Why?
- Sniffing your kids' breath. There has got to be a better way to discern whether or not your kid is the one who ate the last bag of Doritos.
- Eating your kids picked over food. My abuelita used to chew my discarded chicken and chuleta huesos, and then have the nerve to look at ME like I was weird because I didn't "finish" my meal. What?
- Wiping their mocos off on your own clothes. Before you had kids, you wouldn't have dreamed of wiping your own snot on your clothes. Now, your clothes can basically stand on their own thanks to all the dried snot and bodily fluids that have accumulated on them over the years…or just today.
- Naming and talking to your kids toys. Especially when you talk to them when your kid isn't even in the room.
- Let your baby suck on your finger. You know, the same finger that just picked snot out of your 2-year-old's nose, and pulled the baby's diaper back to see where that god-awful smell was coming from. Yeah, that finger.
- Collect gum and catch vomit in your bare hands. Yet when you friend Giovanna tosses her cookies, you're all, "Ewwww!"
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