I've been a mom for exactly nine months now, and though it's been amazing, there have been some less-than-stellar moments, I have to confess. But my worst–WORST–mami moment had to be something that happened a few weeks ago. No, it wasn't turning into a mush of tears when the baby wouldn't stop crying for 40 minutes straight (he's teething and I feel horrible for him), or not being able to have him sleep in his own room even though he's almost a year (I can't part with him!), it was much, much worse, and could have resulted in him getting hurt…
A few weeks ago, after a particularly taxing week at work, Sebastian woke up a little earlier than normal on a Saturday. I have to say, I was exhausted, but we put him on our bed to play with him for a little bit. My husband got up to take care of the dogs for a minute, and warned me, "Don't fall asleep!" I scoffed. How could I fall asleep, I was with the baby on the bed!? But … I did fall asleep.
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Next thing I heard was a loud crash as Little Guy fell on the floor. It woke me up with a start! I honestly didn't realize he was so mobile! He had scooted all the way to the edge of the bed, probably trying to grab something off the night table. At that moment I freaked out. I grabbed the baby from the floor and hugged him tightly. I was trembling.
After the tears and screaming subsided–my tears and my screaming, I should clear up–and I was calmer, I was able to see that Little Man was okay. He had fallen on his butt on the rug, because he didn't have a red mark or scratch or anything on him, thank God. But that didn't mean the overwhelming guilt that I felt all day long went away. I couldn't even think back to the moment that I heard that little thud, I would cry each time.
Hours later, Sebastian was playing and laughing and his old Sebi-self again, but I was a mess of guilt and tears. Even my husband–who had initially been really mad at me, and with good reason–tried to console me a bit, telling me stuff like this is bound to happen. But I wouldn't hear him. I had failed my son, failed to protect him. I swore to him the day he was born that I would watch out and shield him from EVERYTHING, and not even a year into his life I had failed.
I know, I know, I'm being a little melodramatic, but that's seriously how I felt. Today, a couple of weeks out from what's now known in my head as The Day Sebastian Fell Off the Bed, I feel a little better. But that doesn't mean I don't feel a twinge of heart-wrenching guilt whenever I remember. And, believe me, I am WIDE awake now every time he's playing on the bed with me!
Image via Yuliana Gomez
