What I am about to admit to you, I know, is Latina mom sacrilege. I really thought I was the only one but thanks to a new Twitter feed, I feel like I can finally come clean about my secret shame.
I hate Dora the Explorer. HATE HER. Hate the show. Hate the monkey. I hate the f*ing map most of all.
When I decided to become a parent, I knew that I was voluntarily exposing myself to certain annoyances. Diapers, gross. Spit up, ugh. Kids shows, awful. But I knew the worst was ahead of me, I knew that one day, Dora was coming.
The guilt and shame I feel admitting this is great. I grew up with no Spanish on TV, hell I grew up with almost no little girls on TV, especially not ones with brown hair and brown eyes and a little chub. For a while I really believed in the power of Dora–that is until I had to actually WATCH her.
Dude, why is Dora so lame? Especially in comparison to Diego, who is like, so cool. As we suffer Dora nightly, the babydaddy and I discuss regularly how the concept of the fox is just dumb, how the backpack never has anything helpful and how Dora is staring at you a little bit like she is ready to bite your neck and spew the blood all over her cartoon jungle (forest?).
And then we found this:@GoddamnDora Twitter feed. Oh my god, the house is bugged was my first thought. Second, was "Is this what John does at work?"
This amazing twitter feed– which is CLEARLY only for parents so don't get your panties in a knot–says all the things about the Dora show (again, not Dora herself so don't get so uptight) that parents are really thinking when they watch.
Here are some of my favorite tweets, although I warn you, there is A LOT of cursing:
Diego's Rescue Pack can turn into a jetpack?! Whatta you got, Backpack? Goddamn sticky tape? Fuck you.
We did it! Lo hicimos! Well… Lo hice. YOU just sat there like on the couch like a fucking lump.
Fuck you, Tico. Get your own nuts.
Do you see Swiper? That fucking fox is always stealing my shit. If you see Swiper, fuck him up.
Now this is a Dora I could happily watch. It appears some people are mad about this and trying to get the Twitter feed blocked and if you are one of them, check out @RealDoraMarquez. I really think this is just a parent having some fun with what is, at best, a stressful situation–raising a child. And if the creators of Dora are upset, maybe they should get to the core of what the tweets are really saying, which is that Dora is getting old and tired and lame. The arrow went out with scrunchies and Dora could have a better job than babysitting a clearly mentally-challenged monkey. If she is really meant to be an explorer, send her over to Diego's show and give her something real to do.
And burn the backpack in a two hour special starring Shakira, Thalia, Paulina AND Gloria. Then have Dora get a haircut and go hang out with Demi Lovato and Selena Gomez while they all get heart tattoos and she teaches them how to speak Spanish properly.
Come on admit it, Dora annoys you a little bit too, right?
